2011年9月27日 星期二

Last Lark in Heaven

Many times ,I asked myself,What am I pursuing?And what I found is disordered ideas and forms.This world hadn't known me,and now it deserted me,for I don't know my character in this world,how could it know me first?

Crossing this river I will reach home,a place I have forgotten for many years.The  Autumn is still poetic like long time before.Long ago when Mr. Winegartner was living,and I was his favorite child in the class.He would watch me writing like I watching my puppies running ,the same adorable sight.And I would ask him "Father how long should my composition be?"He told me" As long as a love story would be."And I asked him again with curiosity "But what is love?"

When I reached my home town,kids stared at me with questions.I hadn't known how do I look like,but seems like people had already forgot how did I playing the piano in the church as a student,and I dared not to ask how was my choir and klavier.But the church was still there with a golden dome and Holy Cross.My house had deserted beside the church yard.Which was surrounded by apple trees and bushes .I lived in this house,
till my nanny told me "My young master,your parents had a accident,they were dead on their way to Africa!"
I was only six ,and I said"Then I will never be to Africa!Never again!"I didn't cry,why should I cry if my parents had always travel without attention for my education?After that, Father Winegartner adopt me,and he was very old and kind.I must learn how to write and think,but mainly,I study composition with him.He was a quiet man,when he wrote ,his hand would shiver.I was so enthusiastic when I represented my words to him.
Every time ,he told me "This is not good enough!You will improve!"And I said"How long must I wait to be a
artist?"And he had always smiled said,"As long as a love story would be!"

And,where is my love story?In these few years?Just like a spell in life,I traveled from one place to another.
And it was after my Father Winegartner left the world.No woman stay my heart,but I like them all.I couldn't have passion for romance,and I liked to be along.Some people said I am a priest but very free.Maybe this is just what I live for!

My house was covered by weed and dust.When I walked inside there was birds' nest and spider's web.I found out many old photos,some were my parents' wedding photos and many were my first baptize.And my mother was so charming and lovely,why does she leave me?

I walked to the church yard ,and sat under the apple trees,the breezing wind told me this season would be a plentiful harvest,and I was so tired.

I heard a voice,a girl was singing,with a tune I've never heard.I opened my eyes and searched for her .I saw a young lady was picking berries.She dressed in light blue looked at me with surprise .
"Who are you stranger?"
"I lived here,I mean ,very long time ago!"
"I live here,too ,till now!"
"Could you tell me what were you singing?"
"I don't know,I invent it!"
"Have you ever learn music?"
"Why should I,I belong to the choir !"
"The choir in church!I did ,too!When I was a student!"
"And you are living in this deserted house,all along?"
"I am not so certain about my future,about where should I stay......"
"Do you come back to church?"
"Why should I?I......"
"What are you searching for?"
"Nothing......I only want to know .....How long should my composition be....?"
"As long as you live and love!"
I smiled to her and she hold my hand said
"My brother,Come back to us!"

On that Sunday,the sky was so clear,seems like I could reach heaven.When I walked into the church,I saw her leading the children singing.And she dressed in Sister's uniform.When the choir sang,it was a song I was familiar with,it was what Winegartner composed when I was his child.

I sang out loud with them,and I could see she was the last lark in heaven!

2011年9月24日 星期六


秋天已經到了,不知不覺中,我胖了一圈, 但是不想刻意節食運動,只要在建康範圍內,胖一點無所謂!

每天,我都喜歡玩茶和咖啡,之前喝了一些奇茶,像女兒環和白毫銀針,覺得很有雅趣 ,但是奇茶如果常喝,容易失味,有時也有可能是受了潮,味淡了,會覺得好不心疼!現在我喝的茶,都是親戚送的,比如高山茶和東方美人,現在我不那麼講究茶具,只用有濾茶功能的馬克杯,喝的比較簡便,率真!
但是我有過經驗,因為喝和體質不合的茶,所以生皮膚病!那是很麻煩的事,可能要暫時不喝茶,也要調整生活習慣 !


茶可以過濾我的想法,有時候總覺的桌上一杯茶 ,看書才定的輕鬆,我是追求精神生活的人,但是有一部份的物質,可以隨同精神成長!比如一壺好茶!

2011年9月23日 星期五

Be a Stray Bird

I felt aimless but not knowing why,if I should love a man or woman and built life with him or she?
But,what would happen if love is not as I dream for?
I play solitary game but I am happy,my sisters would marry someday,and I will marry God ,as I wish!
I am aimless but not empty,because I love my neighbors when I saw I child in need I will hold him up,
and I try very hard to love everyone as love myself!
I don't know why sometimes I hate ,and I blame myself not to hate,because something irritate me and my emotion lose balance and peace.And I would tell God,I had never want to hate!
If a relationship would make me feel strong?I don't think so!A relationship would be a gambler for me,but depend on Jesus ,He wouldn't disappoint me!
Do you know what does Jesus means about"If you ask I give,Knock the door,I will open it!"
It is talking about heaven,if all you want is heaven,you will deserve heaven,but not making a fortune or becoming a beauty!It was my secret wisdom,no one ever taught me so,but I know it,and I know only chosen people will accept it!
I felt aimless,and not knowing why,especially when my friends talking about their career and wedding life,
I know my future is death then rise into heaven,but not having babies and busy life,anyway,I don't eager to being dead.I take my time!Schopenhauer was my master friend when I was in temptation,I am not disappointed for life and love,but I see through it,and no more a butterfly like when I was a little girl !
I don't know why some people think kids are naive so do they want love,for I know life is very real once you try!Why would I accept Schopenhauer's idea?It's not so tough for me,and I am aimless but existing!
I've never known why Existence is so close to my color,when I began to ask,I 've been fascinated!But I 've never given up life and love but I wish so much to live like a stray bird!
Do you fly like a stray bird?

2011年9月21日 星期三

A Beautiful Voyage

I didn't noticed why and how my drawing are all abstract in recent years,maybe since I felt someone stole my dreams!You know I take some medicine before sleep,but I am not a unreasonable person,only if you think my thought and ideas weren't complete and it is unreasonable!I have phychic ills ,but I am very conscious and straight,just like every one!
I love to know how will I have a beautiful mind,and it is not a simple task,many times I felt only melt in nonesense
daily life,I will have a beautiful view.Because when I take it as my target I would lose it!Did I try to isolate myself?Didn't I?I was very grey in diagnose ,and extremly painful,but I've never fallen into danger or evil's temptation,now when I turn back,I know God has never desert me!
Did I heard any voice?You think you are doctor!Yes,but more like inspiration ,and I insist on to give all inspiration upon  God,for I know if I had been seduced by the way,I will fall into temptation!
In those days,no matter how strong I be faithful,they just know how to break my view!
Who are they?I don't know!Maybe some secret society .They hate my mind ,I know!And after that I wouldn't be so proud for my beautiful mind.
No!I don't believe in evil!But the truth is I've left my childhood,and human nature is not a fairy tale!Why I must to leave my childhood dreams?So do I write stories ,because I could make up my lost dreams and I am always on my voyage to a beautiful mind!

2011年9月19日 星期一

Der Gesund Gott

Fragen nicht über Leben,wenn seine gefühle immer Krank sein!

Ich wisse, aber fragen ich immer "Wenn ist die Ende meine Krankheit ???"

Was ist Gesundheit???

Warum ein Gute Geist  wurde nicht Gesund !

Warum ein Rein Seele wieso pein!

Woher ist die Gesund Leben?

Ebenso ich suchen ,findet ich nur die Krank!

Der Artz sagt mich "Du bist nicht wieso gesundlich!"

Aber mein Gott sagt mich"Die Welt ist krank!"

Ich denken und denken!

Schlafen ich nicht jeden Tag und Nacht!

Denn ich wollen Tot!Weil ich gesung nicht!Dann Leben ich nicht!

Ich schwamm bis Tot ,gehöre ich die Engel

"Essen diese Mann der Gott wurden Gesund!"

2011年9月17日 星期六

Shepherd's Plan

If I don't plan anything about anything,then everything would happen in every time!
Do you believe in this philosophy?
And you would say so"But you are not so lucky!Why do you preach?"
Than,I will be very timid and conserved ,because when everything could happen it's nothing to do with fortune!
Geek poets would say no one could change his fate,even some wizards truly count fate,but unavoidable,every wizard must dead,for only God is God,super power is under His will!
Why people were so fun with magic?
When you badly feel your life is control by enemy spell,how awful you would feel?
Why there is spell to make us lose freedom?
It is because you plan something badly and God doesn't want you have!
Spells couldn't hurt people who totally fallow God!
Everything would happen to my life  because I accept my fate, just like every creature is all the same to God!
For God,everything is GOOD!Why  must we human-beings  complain day after day?
We must dead when our time is up,but death won't do us apart if we  won't be put into judgement!
We could still be children with an innocent soul,but,if we badly want to reach something on earth He would want us fall!
I've never known what does God plan about anything,but I plan nothing myself,for He is my shepherd I shall not want!

2011年9月14日 星期三

Another Musician

I don't know if music is my life,or my soul.
Heard of too many friends talking about how do they fight and desire for music,I full of admire for them,but,
I feel if I take music as a goal,I wouldn't feel music!I wouldn't love any!
Many days I desert my instruments because of anger for myself,yes,I was angry for myself!Do I know why?
Not totally!
Many days I couldn't even sing,and I sang awfully without any sense!Do I ever anger?As you wish,I anger spiritual world because it was too harsh to me!
For I used to blindly take every tutor's way as my style,and obviously I haven't meet another tone cohere with me.And obviously ,my feeling for art is not yet understood for even myself!
But why do I feel music is so beautiful,and charming?
I could feel performing couldn't be my ambition nor plan!
And I couldn't be proud of any form.....any style ..nor fame!
My life was very hard!And it is still!

Now I don't wish to accomplish any goal for art.
Many there ,laughing me giving up,and I don't mind how would them feel,any concert wouldn't be my contribution!
And I totally admit that I am limited in front of Titans' great,therefore,I could fly as a very small lark,play game like a very small kid,and they will smile into my lonely mind saying ---My poor little Blue Lark!

2011年9月12日 星期一

A Tough Choice

This season is tough for everyone!When we know enjoyment and pleasure wouldn't last for long!
Each time when I struggle in mind for confusing, I had reached a disappointed view of life,but God doesn't want me disappointed ,and the very next moment,when I hear a bird sing ,or see a sunny morning sky,I will pick up my faith for heaven!
We live in a tough age,the only hope of our future might be our expectation for the Universe ,the universe is still God's creation and we seek Him like lark fly into sky!The universe is the Mother Nature,and the mind of God,and He open His arm to hold us!
But we've always felt lost!I don't want to debate about which one is before the other,the Universe or God,but I believe in we exist because He loves us first,and the Universe is God,what He become and create,where we live and share!
The Universe is all creation,that is the Holy Spirit!And when we recognize it ,we will be beyond live or death,time and space!Life on earth is so fragile and short,why do we insist on to want to hold a illusion target?
A illusion target when we think only material bring happiness,or to occupy is success?!